


A Cabin in The Woods: A Gayer, Fluffier, Significantly Less Scary Version

by DoctorSuperMerlock51



Category: Carry On - Fandom
Genre: Also Mania is amazing holy crap, Also the title is my girlfriend's, But these babies deserve it and all the joy in the world, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Hope y'all laugh while reading this, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I certainly did but that might've been the sleep deprivation, I had way too much fucking fun writing it but that's a good thing....I think, I hold no responsibility lol, M/M, Snowbaz is life, This is the longest fic I've ever written and I'm honestly so proud tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-10 20:49:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13509516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorSuperMerlock51/pseuds/DoctorSuperMerlock51
Summary: Simon Snow and Baz Pitch steal away to a cabin because they honestly need a fucking vacation and fluffy events ensue because they are actual saps hopelessly in love with each other no matter how much they deny it.





	A Cabin in The Woods: A Gayer, Fluffier, Significantly Less Scary Version

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! *awkwardly waves*  
> I hope y'all enjoy reading this fluffy fic as much as I enjoyed writing it and I'm sorry in advance for any inconsistencies with Baz. I wasn't sure what a vampire could or couldn't do in Carry On so I just said fuck it all and wrote Baz as basically a human that drinks blood.  
> Constructive criticisms are always welcome and well, have fun lol!  
> Also the Fall Out Boy lyrics are Fall Out Boy's obviously. I am only momentarily borrowing them cause I love them and because Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea would totally be Baz's ringtone.

"SNOW GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE AND HELP ME UNLOAD THIS CRAP," Baz bellows at his boyfriend while opening the trunk of their car. 

Simon opens his eyes and promptly rolls them in exasperation before landing gracefully besides Baz and retracting his wings. 

He'd been flying for the past ten minutes alongside the car. The open space and cold mountain air were freaking heaven for his wings. He rarely got to flex them in the city. 

Thank Crowley Penelope had finally found a way for him to retract and control them or life would've been even more unbearable. 

"Well well well, look who decided to show up," Baz says sarcastically with a faint smirk. 

"Shut up and gimme a bag," Simon responds, unwittingly grinning at his boyfriend's dramatics. 

Baz smiles creepily and lugs two tall, heavy bags out of the trunk and onto Simon's outstretched hands. 

Simon grunts under the weight and glares at Baz over the bags. 

"If I die from tripping over a fucking rock or something, it's your head Penny's having," Simon mutters just loud enough for Baz to hear before waddling carefully into the cabin.

"FUCK OFF! BUNCE LIKES ME BETTER ANYWAY, " Baz yells at Simon's disappearing figure. 

He sighs affectionately, takes the rest of the bags from the car, and locks it, following Simon inside. 

The inside of the cabin is spacious and beautifully furnished, though he shouldn't have expected any less from a Pitch property.

If there's one thing his family contains in abundance, besides insanity, it's panache. 

"Snow?" Baz calls out. 

"Yeah I'm in the bedroom babe." Simon answers. 

Baz drops the bags in the living room and walks into the bedroom. 

He stifles hysterical laughter. 

Simon continues jumping on the bed without any shame whatsoever. 

"This bed is so springy, holy shit," Simon exclaims short of breath. He beams at Baz, and then falls down abruptly in a starfish position. 

"Springy, huh?" Baz asks wiggling his eyebrows and sitting down on a corner of the bed. 

"Crowley, Baz, you're horrible," Simon says chuckling. 

Simon gets up and sits down behind Baz, curling his arms around Baz's waist and leaning his head on his shoulders. 

"Hmmmmmm this is nice," Simon murmurs, "Let's just stay like this for a bit."

"You are an actual child, Snow," Baz says with an amused expression but nevertheless closes his eyes in peace. 

They stay like that for a couple of minutes until Simon's phone rings. Simon disentangles himself from Baz and takes his phone out of his back pocket. 

"Hi Penny, we just got here," Simon says. 

"Oh Snow, stop it," Baz moans edging closer to the phone and chuckling silently. 

"Crowley Simon, you couldn't even keep it in your pants for one phone call," Penny says with a hint of both amusement and horror. 

Simon pushes Baz away and pins him to the bed with one hand while holding the phone to his ear with the other. 

"Baz is just being an asshole Penny, we're not doing anything," Simon says to Penny.

Then, aiming his voice away from the phone, he glares at his boyfriend. 

"And we won't be doing anything at all if you don't calm the fuck down."

Baz smirks and mimes zipping his mouth shut. 

"Yeah the trip was fine, I got out to stretch my wings as we got nearer. Yes Penny, the spell is still working fine. It's been 2 years, stop worrying," Simon says with fond exasperation. 

"Okay, okay. Just checking. Also Micah says hi."

"Hi Micah," Simon yells into the phone.

Baz suddenly animates and wrests the phone away from Simon. 

"Pennyyyyy, " Baz drawls, "You tell your husband I haven't forgotten about our little bet AND HE STILL OWES ME 50 BUCKS."

Simon can actually hear Penny's expression contorting into a bitchface and coughs lightly to stifle his laughing. 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever Basilton. I'll let him know."  
"Have fun on your trip, idiots," Penny says then hangs up. 

Simon pockets his phone then turns to Baz with an angelic smile. 

"Sooooo, where were we?" Simon says smirking. 

Baz smiles warmly then thwacks Simon on the face with a pillow. 

Simon gasps in shock then springs up and assumes an offensive attack with his own pillow. 

A couple of minutes later, they stop, gasping and giggling as they take in the now semi-destroyed room.

The bed is in an awkward position against the door from being jostled so much, the covers rumpled and half out of the bed, half in, and feathers, way too many feathers, covering the floor in a haphazard manner. 

"This looks like we've just had the wildest sex," Baz says still giggling. 

"This isn't Twilight, Baz and anyway if it were, I'd be the hot werewolf," Simon responds winking. 

"Oooooooh plot twist, the anger was sexual tension all along," Baz says with a mockingly serious expression then breaks and grins. 

"You're incorrigible. C'mon, now we have to clean this shit up," Simon says rolling his eyes but also grinning. 

Simon grips Baz's hand and utters a spell, making the room look pristine again. 

Simon shudders slightly. It's only been a year since he's started getting his powers back and he's always afraid they're either going to disappear completely again or come back with the force of before, violent and overpowering. 

Baz gently massages Simon's shoulder then drags him into the living room area to unpack. 

They planned to stay in the cabin for at least a month or so, a much needed vacation since their last one was cut short by the return of Simon's powers. 

It got dark as soon as they'd finished unpacking so they just settled in on the couch by the fire and started up Netflix on their tablet. 

Good thing about a cabin owned by a magical family is that there's always wifi. 

They'd very recently become obsessed with Stranger Things and were binge watching the second season and going fucking nuts.

"OH MY CROWLEY, BAZ, SHE SAID BITCHING, OUR CHILD," Simon emphatically shrieked. 

"Miracle boy, you know our child is Dustin. Look at that hair, I will not accept any child of mine unless they have amazing fucking hair," Baz responds. 

Simon looks at him incredulously, then rolls his eyes. 

"Okay that's fair, our child would have the most amazing hair like Dustin but we can have more than one child idiot, and just look at her, her hair is equally as amazing AND SHE SAID B I T C H I N G BAZ. Do I need to spell it out for you anymore? It's like you birthed her into television."

Then it was Baz's turn to roll his eyes but his expression remained wistful, almost as if he was considering what a child of Simon Snow and Baz Pitch would be like. 

He grins dangerously. 

Their child would be fucking iconic; a fearful sight: beautiful and mischievous to the bone. 

"Oh my fuck Baz, it's the last episode!"  
"I don't know if I can take this. It's going to be angsty isn't it....," Simon asks, sighing and mentally cursing the addictive qualities of Netflix. 

"It's five in the morning love, maybe time to give it a break. I can see your eyes twitching," Baz says affectionately. 

"Yeahhh, I guess. Off to bed then?" Simon asks. 

Baz nods and shuts down the tablet, putting it to charge. 

He then scoops up Simon, who impossibly fell asleep in the five minutes he was gone, and carries him into the bedroom. 

He sets Simon down underneath the covers and then gets into bed himself. 

Simon turns his back to Baz drowsily and tucks himself as close as possible to his boyfriend. 

Baz smiles lovingly and drapes his arm over Simon's waist, settling his head behind Simon's.

He quickly realizes that isn't going to work when Simon's hair keeps getting in his mouth and he has to swipe it away like a more emo Justin Bieber. 

Finally Baz gives up and presses his face lightly against Simon's shoulder so he doesn't wake him up. 

He closes his eyes and exhales contentedly, falling easily into sleep. 

'The Next Day'

“SOME PRINCES DON'T BECOME KINGS, EVEN AT THE BEST OF TIMES I'M OUT OF MY MIND.”

Baz groans awake and gropes around for his phone. He quickly shuts his alarm off, having forgotten he'd set one for every day of the week last week before the trip had been planned. 

He yawns and massages the temples of his head in an attempt to stave off a headache he could already feel rising. 

Simon curls into himself more then sighs, and moves into a starfish position, accidentally slapping Baz in the face.

"Eugh Crowley Si, do you have to do this every single morning? Eventually you're going to leave a permanent hand-shaped mark on my face," Baz says jokingly angry. 

"Hmmmmm at least then people might stop hitting on you. Hehe, get it? Hitting on you. I crack myself up," Simon mumbles sleepily with a smile, then turns suddenly to Baz alertly. 

"Hey, hey, Baz, my amazing boyfriend, love of my life, light of my day, do you think you could possibly, maybe, bringmebreakfastinbedbecauseIamstarving?" 

"You're lucky I'm in a sappy mode," Baz says sitting on the edge of the bed and stretching.

Simon perches up on one elbow and smirks. 

"Good view," he says, winking at Baz.

Baz turns around and shoves Simon, who flails before balancing himself then drags Baz down with him. 

They share a sweet kiss before Baz gets up and leaves to make breakfast. 

Simon sits up and grabs his phone from the bedside table, checking to see if work had messaged him but thankfully, they took his warnings not to bother him seriously. 

He fiddles with his phone, pondering what to do as Baz makes breakfast before deciding to plan out the rest of their day. 

He pulls open the blinds of the large window behind the bed and winces at the sunlight in his eyes. 

The sun was brightly shining outside, casting its rays on the lake and making the water glimmer as if in a fairy tale. 

They were definitely going kayaking today. 

Maybe they could relax and watch TV after breakfast for a while, go kayaking for a couple of hours, and then go into town for dinner. 

As soon as Baz finished making breakfast, Simon would run the plan by him and cajole him to say yes whether he wanted to or not. 

Simon turns on the TV just as Baz comes in with a tray full of so much delicious food, Simon has to struggle not to leap out of bed and scarf it all down. 

If eyes were able to take on a heart shape, Simon's eyes would've already transformed. 

Baz sets the tray down on Simon's lap then sits down next to him with a tall glass of blood. 

Simon rubs his hands and smiles creepily before digging in. 

By the time Baz has even finished half of his glass of blood, Simon has already inhaled two servings of eggs, three pieces of bacon, four pancakes, hash browns, and two rather large servings of fruit. 

Baz isn't even surprised. 

"So what are we doing today?" Baz asks Simon who's still going to town on the platter. 

Simon starts to speak but gets distracted by eating more food. 

"Crowley Snow, do you even chew your food?"

"No, I just swallow," Simon mutters through a third serving of eggs, then freezes, realizing the implications of what he'd just said. 

He puts the fork down and straightens, facing his metaphorically dying boyfriend. 

"Now Baz, you know that's not--."

Baz tries to speak but instead hunches over and starts laughing more hysterically. 

Simon snorts then starts laughing too, until they're both shaking and clutching their stomachs in pain. 

They giggle slightly as they calm down then sigh.

"So what are we doing today?" Baz asks once he's regained the ability to breathe. 

"Oh I made a plan!" Simon exclaims, showing Baz what he'd planned out on his phone. 

"Sounds perfect babe. I'm still sort of exhausted so let's just stay in bed for a while," Baz says. 

Simon finishes his last strip of bacon and takes the plates to the kitchen as Baz fiddles with the TV remote, flicking through the channels to find something interesting. 

Simon walks back into the room and gets into bed again, leaning his back against Baz's chest as the latter's arm encircle him. 

Simon chuckles lightly when he sees what Baz had settled on. 

"Spongebob, seriously?" He asks Baz teasingly. 

"Shut up Snow, it's quality programming," Baz responds with a completely straight face, his eyes betraying a hint of embarrassment and amusement. 

A few hours pass as they lie contentedly just watching TV until suddenly it's one in the afternoon. 

After noticing the time, Simon leaps up and drags a groaning Baz up with him. 

"Okay, enough lazing about, time for some athletic activity," Simon says enthusiastically. 

"You just made me want to go kayaking significantly less, I hope you know that," Baz responds. 

Simon rolls his eyes dramatically.

"Get off your ass and let's go," Simon says pushing Baz out the door and into the bathroom, shoving some gym shorts and a t-shirt simultaneously into his hands. 

"While you go change, I'm going to prepare the gear. Don't take too long styling your hair," Simon says grinning and dodging Baz's hand trying to slap him upside the head. 

Simon changes quickly also into gym shorts and a thin t-shirt in the bedroom then packs the emergency kit, the water canteens, and four small PB&J sandwiches into a waterproof container. 

He goes outside and drags the large two-person kayak into the dock, taking out the PFDs and a spray skirt for Baz and setting them down next to him, then packing the rest of the materials comfortably in the front bulkhead except for the waters. 

He checks to make sure the makeshift anchor is still in the rear bulkhead then turns when he hears Baz coming out of the house. 

"All ready, you good?" Simon asks his boyfriend. 

"Yup, let's get this show on the road," Baz says, failing to hide his excitement. 

"Alright, grab a paddle, sternman," Simon says excitedly. 

Simon gets in carefully first and grabs the nearest paddle, waiting for Baz to get in and untie the kayak from the dock before paddling gently away into the still lake. 

They paddle quietly for a couple of minutes, taking in the scenery: wild trees swaying with the wind, birds chirping and other woodland critters chittering. After the hubbub of the city, this was actual paradise on Earth. 

They share a few snippets of conversations as the hours pass, mainly just enjoying the gorgeous view and eventually the sandwiches because Simon started moaning about hunger two hours in to absolutely no one's surprise. 

They paddle back as soon as they see the sun start to set and reach the dock quickly with some extra help of the magical kind. 

They tie the boat and take out the empty canteens and food containers, dumping the latter in the trash can conveniently located towards the back of the dock.

They sit on the edge of the dock to watch the last vestiges of the sun, legs swinging and hands loosely linked. 

They stared in unabashed awe at the setting sun, the auras of reds and oranges glinting off the surface of the lake, the sky an amalgamation of purple, pink, and dark blue.  


The perfect end to a perfect day. 

The perfect start to what will surely be a perfect night. 

Once it gets too dark to see, they get up and make their way into the cabin, choosing to forgo their previously planned excursion into town for a quieter night in. 

"Alrighty, what should I make?" Simon asks, rubbing his hands together comically. 

"Absolutely nothing unless you want me to die of either food poisoning or a fire," Baz says only half joking. 

Simon pouts and flicks Baz off but nevertheless lets Baz focus on the food, choosing to go shower and change first.

Baz checks Simon is actually in the bathroom before darting silently to their bedroom and opening his bedside table, unearthing the shiny gold band still in its velvet black box.  


He silently thanks Crowley Simon had agreed with him to stay in for the night, otherwise his plan might've been completely derailed. 

He pockets the box for now, quickly preparing the fettuccine alfredo he knows Simon adores and five sour cherry scones with a speed spell.

He places two bowls of the pasta on the dining room in front of each of the two chairs, arranging the scones in the shape of a heart on top of a doily facing Simon's plate with the ring box in the middle of the heart. 

He arranges artificial candles around the table and shuts off all the other lights in the living room.

Baz exhales to steady his nerves when he hears Simon coming out of the bathroom.

"Hey Baz, why is it so dark? Did we have a power outage already? I thought you told me your fami--."

Simon stops talking abruptly as he sees Baz standing next to the table. 

He takes in the items on top of the table, his eyes stopping as he sees the ring box. 

Simon's eyes widen and he wrenches his gaze away to look at Baz. 

"Baz....?" Simon asks both hopeful and hesitant. 

"I don't think there are any perfect words to describe my love for you because even the most perfect could never be able to convey how hopelessly gone I am on you.   


But here it goes.  


I've loved you for a long fucking time, loved you so deeply my heart burned both when you weren't near me and when you were, so deeply I foolishly disguised my feelings as hate.  


I love you because you're there for me at my lowest and my highest, annoying the living shit out of me until I'm forced to crack a smile.  


These last few years of our lives have been a living dream, every hour, every minute, every second, bliss, happiness I never thought I would find or deserved to find.  


I love you with every fiber of my being.  


You are my world, Simon Snow.  


So would you grant this fucktard the great honor of being your husband?" Baz asks, retrieving the ring from the box and kneeling down on one knee.

Simon chuckles through the tears gathering in his eyes. 

"YES, YOU FUCKTARD, YES," Simon screams, tackling Baz in a hug and kissing him senseless. 

Baz grins brilliantly through the kiss and places the band on Simon's finger. 

They laugh happily, hugging with all their might as if they never planned on letting go. 

But let go they do, still holding hands but rising to enjoy their dinner, eyes glowing, smiles so wide their cheeks ached. 

In that single moment, they saw their future as clear as day, a future full of joy and love unlike any they had ever experienced before.  
A future full of hope. 

But for now, they had each other, a bowl of fettuccine alfredo, and sour cherry scones and the world was, in this beautifully rare moment, completely and utterly perfect.


End file.
